What the hell?

So let me begin by saying how much I love having sex/making love to my boyfriend/baby daddy of the last 3 years. He is attractive, loving, and exceptionally good in bed. I mean he still refuses to open himself up to me completely (sexually), refuses to perform oral (says that he is good at intercourse so that should “be good enough”) and isn’t interested in trying anything new (toys, role playing, etc) but other than that he’s very good.

I was straight up front and honest from the very beginning of our relationship about my sex drive. I made it very clear that I am and always have been a very sexual person. Not in an unhealthy way; I don’t cheat, don’t pay for sex, always used protection when I wasn’t in a monogamous relationship, had my yearly medical exams, etc. But I stated more than once that I like to have sex several times a week, I’m willing and open to trying just about anything within logical reason, and I made it crystal clear that sex is one of my priorities in any serious relationship that I’m in.

Over the 3 years that we’ve been together I’ve not once cheated but we have seriously struggled. I have the unfortunate problem of being in love with a wonderful, loving, kind, generous, funny man that has the sex drive of a penguin. He’s perfectly content with once a week (and that’s on a good week). I have had so many conversations about my unhappyness with this that at this point talking to him again would seriously be equivalent to talking to a brick wall. We’ve tried several different testosterone pills (even expensive ones), read books and magazines on the subject, watched documentaries and commentaries on boosting sex drives, I’ve begged, pleaded, threatened, warned & bribed to no avail. Last night I decided to try playing the doting, sugary-sweet girlfriend. I gave him a long hot oil massage and finished him off with a free blow-completely free with nothing in return on my end. Tonight I had dinner ready when he got home, let him play Mass Effect 3 for several hours while I took care of our 4 month old daughter and cleaned up the house. After she went to bed for the night I gave him another hot oil massage and offered another ”treat’ which he politely turned down and went to bed. Needless to say I AM FUMING.

I really do love him. He is the father of my child, an all around good man who adores me and our daughter. I’m a full time mom, student, and care taker for my disabled mother. I’m faithful, honest and give my all to our relationship and family and I don’t want to lose it. But I’m honest to God running out of ideas. I’m frustrated, hurt, irritated and upset and the worst part is I have no idea what to do about it. They don’t make any pills to lower a sex drive. Cheating would put my family at risk and I would probably burn in hell for eternity. 3 years of talking hasn’t worked and we can’t afford a sex therapist. So I ask you my readers, WHAT THE HELL?


Am I acceptable in today’s society?

So here I am, 25 years old, a new mom to a 4 month old baby girl and in my 3rd monogamous year with my boyfriend who I will call Harris for anonymity. Harris and I met online almost 3 years ago exactly and we’ve had an almost perfect relationship. He’s tall, attractive, extremely loving and generous, a great father and he makes me happy. Sounds great right? Well almost. The problem? Our sex life. I am a very sexual person, always have been. No I wasn’t molested as a child and no I don’t use sex in an unhealthy way. I don’t cheat, I’ve been clean and careful my whole sex life, etc. I just love sex. For one thing sex is amazing for me, I’m VERY lucky in my ability to have multiple, intense orgasms EVERY time I have sex, and that’s with just plain intercourse, no toys or oral involved. Secondly, sex is how I like to show my love and affection to my partner, it is how I like to keep us connected and happy. But wouldn’t you know it? I happen to be in a serious, committed relationship with one of the rarest men out there- the kind who is perfectly happy with sex a few times a month and who isn’t interested in anything other than traditional sex. No toys, nothing tasty, no oral, just plain sex. Foreplay involves kissing and touching, nothing other than that. We have fought about this for 2.5 years solid. He keeps telling me that the sex we have is great so we don’t need to change anything or try anything new. It’s as if he’s not really listening. I love oral sex, giving AND receiving, he just receives so I stopped doing it. To me, oral is a 2 way street. I’m not sure if he had a bad experience or what but I’m his partner for life, I’m very hygienic and it’s OUR sex life, not HIS sex life or MY sex life right? It’s not like I’m asking him to let me pee on him or lick my asshole (which some people do!). It’s been 2.5 years of me begging, pleading, threatening, etc to change our sex life. More often and more variety and I would be a happy girl. Is that really too much to ask? I understand that the longer you’re in a relationship and after you have kids the frequency will drop, I get it. But 2-4 times a month? When we’re in our 20s? I don’t think that’s normal; is it? I don’t want a different partner, I love him. But I’m not happy. What would you do?